What’s next?

What’s next?

I was reading through this blog recently and I was struck but how much I used to share about what was happening in life. I knew no one would be reading it so I was less worried about what I shared and what anyone would think of me. You might think that I post less because I’m less transparent but the reality is that I’m just so busy. In the last seven years life has gone from being very self-centered and mostly recreational to quite the opposite.

Liliana is about to celebrate her 7th birthday which is dumbfounding. I’ve written this sentence over in my head several times but it all sounds so trite and quite honestly there aren’t words to reflect the experience of these seven years. It has been simultaneously incredible, horrible, fun and boring at the same time. In the course of that time we sold everything we owned and lived in an RV for over a year, traveling the country. We then sold our RV and bought our dream home. Then we sold that home to downsize our life and went on the road for another two moths to travel some more. Now this last year we moved into a new home, a much simpler one and we’ve settled into a suburban lifestyle that’s really been testing me.

Okay, here we go. Family life has dictated that we need roots. We need a familiar place for Lil, a place that feels like home. She’s in school now and needs to be present for that. All of this means we should live the typical American life with all of the mundaneness that involves. My struggle is it feels contrary to everything inside of me. I want a family, without a doubt, but I don’t want the normal family experience. I really feel made for something different. I want to explore, I want to see the world. I want to do so on a whim, whenever my soul needs it most! This has made for some difficult conversations both with myself and Crys but thankfully she understands me and listens well to help me come up with a solution. But, at the end of the day I don’t feel like there are good solutions; either I choose what’s best for me or I choose what’s best for my family.

I think part of this is a mid-life crisis if I’m honest with myself. I can feel myself battling with my selfishness more and more. Choosing others is becoming a conscious choice, not a forgone conclusion. It has been helpful in some ways, I’ve learned to speak up for myself and make my wants and desires known. It has created a better relationship for Crys and I, for sure.

I tell anyone who gets to know me well enough that my favorite day in elementary school was always the days we rearranged the desks. I know there’s something deep within me that craves spontaneity, I absolutely love it. It makes the typical American life with a child all the more difficult to stomach sometimes, but I do love it.

We’re beginning to have some conversations about what’s next for us as a family. Do we stay in Texas or do we begin dreaming about where to plant our roots? RV living is pretty much off the table, neither of us really wants that life. I have dreamed about living on the ocean; Crys is mostly concerned with living somewhere with mild winters and cooler summers (which is pretty easy coming from Texas). I’m excited for the next move but there’s non-trivial portion of my brain that’s worried that no matter where we end up the same malaise will set in, that I’ll refuse to be okay in any situation once the newness wares off. I’ll continue to do the necessary work and therapy to avoid that and otherwise trust that the part of me that loves change should be embraced and not battled.

Love you all, hope life is well with you!

Some imagery provided by Unsplash.

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